The Beginning

I see potential farmland everywhere I go now. Farming fever has overtaken me and I find myself saddened by land that is barren – unproductive. I feel a bit like a farm snob, if ever there was such a thing – scoffing at ornamental shrubbery and lawns covered in grass, serving no purpose other than to look appealing. Imagining, instead, the land filled with fruit and vegetable plants, native wildflowers, and pollinator gardens – a sprawling oasis for insects, birds, bunnies, and humans alike. This is how I know that I have found my true calling.

The truth is, I found it years ago. The idea of gardening, farming, and building a homestead has appealed to my husband and I for almost as long as we have been married (11 years for those who don’t know). We talked of beekeeping, had backyard chickens, started making our own baked goods, yogurts, and cheeses. We dreamt of acres upon acres of property, where we would build our dream house by hand, run on solar energy, and grow our own food.

But then life happened. Babies came, promotions happened, the allure of a more luxurious lifestyle, the misguided notion that we had to be rich to build a self-sustainable lifestyle, lack of time to learn any of the skills we needed as we both worked 40 hours a week while parenting young children, that little thing called COVID, and the list goes on and on. Our dream became lost amongst the noise of every day life. We couldn’t keep up with small pepper gardens and six chickens, so how the heck were were going to keep up with an entire homestead? Over the years, as we became more and more busy, and houses (and land) got more and more expensive, we became more and more convinced that we would never have that life.

But then life happened. In April of 2022, my grandmother passed away. In June of 2022, my father-in-law passed away and my husband was laid off from his job. In September of 2022, I was in a very traumatizing car accident that could have taken my life. By the end of 2022 going into 2023, I had spiraled into a deep depression, my anxiety was through the roof, and I felt like I was drowning.

But then, more life happened. In February of 2023, someone I love very much was committed to the hospital for attempted suicide as a result of a situation I was directly involved in. In March of 2023, my husband transitioned out of the tech industry to work as a baker for a local donut shop, slashing our income exponentially. By April of 2023, on top of all that had happened, and was continuing to happen, in my personal life, my work load had increased three fold after losing two coworkers to other jobs and my own prior position having not been filled for almost a whole year following my promotion. One day, I had a panic attack while on my lunch break at work. I had been texting my therapist, talking to my husband, trying to calm myself down, but it was no use. I told my supervisor there was a situation happening at home and I had to go. I walked out of the building and knew that I couldn’t go back. At the recommendation of my therapist and my primary care physician, I notified my employer that I would be taking short term disability leave due to mental illness.

And then, I rested. I took time for myself and gave myself no expectations other than rest. Normally, that would’ve been difficult for me, but my body had shut down. I couldn’t have fought it even if I had wanted to. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted. By that point, I felt like I had nothing left to give to anyone. I was utterly lost. For three weeks, all I did (for myself) was sleep, cry, research alternative treatment options for my depression, and went to therapy.

And then, I bought some plants. I knew I was going to be home for a while, so I made gardening my project. With all of the turmoil in 2022, we did not grow anything at all. We never even cleaned out the pots or raised beds from the few things we grew in 2021. I spent days cleaning up the containers and weeding the two small pepper beds. My husband and I planted seeds inside for things we wanted to grow when the weather got warmer. I felt myself feeling better – I was bringing life back to our gardens, and to myself. Then, on a random trip to Costco one day early in May, I found this:

This, my friends, was the beginning.